by Maya Goodyear
The heart is infuriating.
It is the crossroads of soul and body and a hidden maze of wisdom and hatred. But OH how desperate are we to hear from our hearts …
In seminary, in my “Spiritual Formation” class,
**watch me push up my blue light glasses**
We do this thing where we discuss our desires. It is the things that we truly want– good, bad, or otherwise. It helps us discern what’s going on in our lives, in our circles, and in our expectations. It is vulnerable to have our desires out on a page for the world to see, or maybe it’s just for you to see. It’s funny because I’ve also been asked to journal my “wants” in my internship at church… as homework. It has seemed like a ton of naval-gazing lately and I really resisted these exercises. However, as my need to do homework exceeded my dislike for talking about my wants, the exercise happened. Over the course of three weeks I can look back on a list. It has ranged from friendships, to a farm, to love, and good clothes. It was really hard at first. I think my Christian self wanted to fill each desire with a Bible verse. But someone said to me, “Maya, when it says ‘blessed are the poor in spirit,’ you have to admit to being poor. Well this had me at financially poor… but it doesn’t say that. It says poor in spirit–the pain, the ache.
So I wrote this poem. It’s not rhythmically good and it even rhymes in odd ways, but it has made sense this week after talking over the things in my heart. I hope it’s a springboard for you to imagine the circumstance you were in when this happened in your heart and to see the Good that held you.
This poem is what I like to call an archeological dig at the heart to admit to the moments that really sucked. And just let them suck. And then at the end here, you’ll notice that there’s hope. Please don’t hear that that hope is a cheap band-aid. It’s my honest self, searching for the silver lining, and I think I found it. It’s just as abstract as it sounds. Enjoy.
When the Wind Blew
by Maya
How was your heart when the wind began to blow?
When the whispers echoed off the cavernous walls of your soul,
When the ground turned to water and and the sea boiled to your chest.
Remember when you clung to to the wood as you wept?
Your fingers tap tap tapped with each jolt and it rang “let it all pass, let it pass, DEAR GOD, let it pass.”
How was your heart when your lips couldn’t pray?
When the silence ripped your tears, and stole you away.
Your life was useless.
What did you do then? You sank into sleep.
The pain went blank.
Your soul went down to the deep.
But yellow glitter.
The morning dawned.
Could this be true?
On the devouring shores?
Smiling. Waiting. Aching.
Your heart knew.
Speak the truth.
Joshua 22:4-6: “Now that the Lord your God has given them rest as he promised…But be very careful to keep the commandment and the law that Moses the servant of the Lord gave you: to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, to keep his commands, to hold fast to him and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul.”
